I think it is time for me to share the story of how this blog came to be. It’s strange, I was thinking that it felt like the right time to finally share this and I didn’t even realize what month it is until I sat down to write. This month marks two years since the start of this blog and three years since God put the vision in my heart to create it. Here’s my story of how hope began in the darkness.
I think I’ve mentioned before about how 2013 was a really tough year for me. March is when the worst of it began—the beginning of the end of my marriage—and April 1st was my absolute worst day. I had been given some pretty devastating news the night before and my heart was still reeling from the reality of it all. I remember that I had to go to work that day due to a number of responsibilities I couldn’t postpone. I cried as I got ready and I cried as I drove to work, but somehow I managed to hold it together to get through the day. The next morning I was getting ready for work again and an idea came into my mind about starting a website. It would be something that could be a resource for others like me—something that could have allowed me to find help sooner.
Throughout the previous month of watching my marriage fall apart I had kept thinking what a waste it all was—not only the time I had vested in our relationship but also the years of seeking a solution for my sexual pain. It was tough to consider everything I had been through in my journey towards healing and face a realization that it had potentially been for naught. But God doesn’t waste anything, not one single tear. He works everything for good. And so, at my darkest moment, he planted a seed of hope. As I finished getting ready the ideas just kept flowing. So much that I had to stop what I was doing and find a pad of paper to write the ideas down.
Eventually I got it all written down so I finished getting ready and drove to work. I was listening to a song that begins with the line “If hope is what you’re after, I can take it and turn it into rain.” It gave me the last part of my website’s name, When Sex Hurts There Is Hope (you may notice in the photo that WhenSexHurts.org is crossed out). It wasn’t until then that I realized everything had changed. The day before I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I was so distraught, devastated, hopeless. And in a single day (a single moment, really) everything was different. I was still sad and discouraged, but I had peace. I didn’t know yet whether my marriage would end or be saved, but I did know that no matter what I was going to be okay. I had hope.
Don’t get me wrong. I still had a lot of bad days after that, but things were different. That’s because hope changes everything. And have you noticed that it’s often in the darkest times where hope develops most? I have heard it said that “the opposite of faith is not doubt, the opposite of faith is certainty.”* The underlying point being that you can have great faith, but still deal with doubts. Some people think that the opposite of hope is fear. While there may be some truth to that, I would venture to say that the opposite of hope is not fear, but rather the opposite of hope is having. Hope for the future gives you the strength to face your fears today. It doesn’t make your fears disappear, just like faith doesn’t make your doubts go away. But you can’t hope for something you already have. If you are certain about something, it takes no faith to believe in it. Likewise, someone who has everything they need can’t experience the transforming power of hope.
Hope has been my guiding light through this journey, calling me forward. At the beginning it was a far off glow. I could see there was something in the distance, but the light was too dispersed and far away so I couldn’t pinpoint its source. As I moved forward I could still see the light in the distance but the space around me got darker and darker. Then at my darkest moment, that sliver of light shined clearly. I could see the doorway up ahead, cracked open to show me the way. If it hadn’t been so dark around me I might have missed it. Now I see the way forward and with each step closer the light shines brighter and my hope grows stronger. I wonder, would I have seen it if I had never ventured away from the flickering fluorescent lights of normalcy? If I always had enough to meet my needs and never known what it was like in the darkness, would I have found the transforming light of hope that burns as bright as the sun?
I think some of us never venture far enough away from the comfort of having to experience the full meaning of hope. I know I wouldn’t have if the choice had been left to me. But there are many of us who have found ourselves in the darkness, whether due to pelvic pain or something else. And if you are still in that darkness, I urge you to look towards the light. Hope may be a small speck of light on the horizon, but it still holds the power to transform. My life is very different from what it was in 2013. I still suffer from pelvic pain but I view myself and the world differently. Hope may begin in the darkness, but it brings you into the light. I can see how my life has changed and how I am still being transformed. This blog is only the beginning of the vision God planted. And just like a young plant needs sunlight to grow, this light of hope that began in the darkness continues to guide me forward. I am excited to see all that is still to come, and I hope that this website will continue to show you that when sex hurts there is hope!
*I heard this quote from Steven Furtick during his Functional Faith message, but he was quoting someone else.