I don’t like to admit it, but there are some times when I wish I wasn’t alone. I occasionally have those moments when I wish things were a little different. Most of the time I don’t think about it, or when I do I can’t get past the fact that relationships are hard and, frankly, not always worth it. When I do long for someone to love me I don’t think about my previous relationships. That is not the love that I want. I want someone to love me for me—for who I truly am, for who God sees me as. I try to believe in my heart that it’s possible, that maybe one day someone will love me like that.
I can see how I’m healing. I can feel it. I’ve gone through some phases since my divorce. At first I was against marriage, or at least against the expectation that a woman needs any man in her life to live it to the fullest. Then as the contempt faded away what was left was fear. Why would I ever want to be in another relationship and risk going through the pain of a broken heart again? And if I’m honest with myself I still feel that fear. But God has slowly been opening me up to His hope. I did a lot of things wrong in my last relationship. I certainly didn’t do it God’s way. And maybe, just maybe, if I allow God to do it His way there is a chance for me to be loved by someone who is worth it.
So now I have those moments. I am trying to see them as a positive thing—a sign that I am healing, that there is a chance I might be able to take that risk again one day. But usually they make me feel sad. I still believe that a woman (or a man) can live a happy and fulfilling life without being in a relationship. And I still recognize how incredibly difficult it is to be in a marriage. But sometimes that work and sacrifice is worth it. I see glimpses of it sometimes—a love like God intended. And in those moments I imagine what it would feel like. How would it feel to share life with someone who knows everything about you and still wouldn’t choose anyone else?
I come with a lot of baggage. I am outspoken and strong-willed, yet insecure and afraid. I have a pain issue that makes sex difficult at best, and non-existent at worst. But I am still worth all of it. To the right person at least. And that’s where I truly have to give it to God. He knows the plans He has for me, and whether or not they include a man who will love me His way. I know I don’t want to settle for anything less. So, even though I have these moments when I feel sad about being alone I remember where I put my hope. I am not putting my hope in the idea of the perfect man. I am putting my hope in the perfect plan, and the only one who loves perfectly.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)