I still need healing

Posted on February 22, 2015 by Sarah

I was very much reminded today about how much I still need healing. The sermon series that my church is speaking on is about doing love and sex God’s way and today’s message was about how to have great sex (no, I’m not kidding, that was seriously the topic). So before the pastor began they had a special music solo—a love song. It was a great song but as I started listening to the words I just wanted it to hurry up and be over. The soloist was singing about what love is like—what it’s supposed to be like but wasn’t for me. The chorus said something about give your all to me and I will give my all to you. I’m grateful the lights were low so I wasn’t quite so noticeable as I dug out whatever tissue I could find from my purse. Just hurry up and finish this song I kept thinking, trying to shift my thoughts to any distraction I could find.

And then there was the sermon message. I guess I should’ve known, I should’ve expected that a message about great sex would be difficult for me to hear. The pastor did a good job and shared important principles, but it just made me sad. It reminded me of the hurt, it reminded of how far from that ideal my marriage had been, and it reminded me of how broken I still am. I think the principle that hit home most was how great sex is secure. It is safe—there is no judgment or condemnation—you can be completely vulnerable. That is certainly a big piece of the healing puzzle for me. I never truly felt secure in our sexual relationship.

In the past few weeks God has been giving me glimpses of how He is doing His work to heal me in this area. I have begun to realize how I never feel secure enough in my relationships with men to be vulnerable. Obviously the true place for full vulnerability is in a marriage relationship, but even in friendships I have a difficulty being truly authentic in a way that opens me up to vulnerability. I am still afraid, perhaps because I am still putting too much emphasis on how others view me. But, maybe it’s just that I’ve been hurt—I’ve been made to feel less than desirable, like I’m not worth it—and that has made me afraid and left me broken.

Here is an excerpt from my prayer journal earlier this month which describes this need for healing in more detail… Continue reading →

Clouds make life more beautiful

Posted on February 8, 2015 by Sarah

Have you noticed that we often use the analogy of weather to describe our lives? We talk about rainy days, weathering storms, and the sun shining down on us. Most often we describe clear skies as the best weather to have in our lives, wishing to avoid the clouds altogether. After weathering some storms in my own life, and living with some clouds that won’t seem to go away, I have come to realize that the clouds actually make life more beautiful.

Think about a sunrise or a sunset that you may have seen recently. Have you ever noticed that clouds are what make a sunset so much more beautiful? The sun setting on a clear horizon is nothing compared to when the streaks of clouds transform its light into so many beautiful shades. I don’t think I have ever taken a picture of a sunset in a cloudless sky. Yet I have gone to great lengths to capture images of sunsets made beautiful by the array of colors reflecting off of all kinds of cloud formations. Even the first image you see on this website is that of a disappearing sun in a cloud-filled sky.

You could describe this analogy of a sunset in a lot of different ways. The sun might represent the source of light and life, or perhaps your soul or source of being. And if the sky is the canvas of your life story, don’t we need some clouds in there to better reflect the light? As much as we hate to encounter those clouds—trials and painful experiences—isn’t it precisely those difficulties which reveal the truer colors of ourselves, developing who we are as individuals? Continue reading →

YatraYoni spreads some hope

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Sarah

One of my favorite pelvic pain bloggers, Faith Cornwall of YatraYoni.com, recently featured a post from this blog. Simply having her feature one of my posts was a great compliment, but the tribute she gave to the When Sex Hurts There Is Hope site was amazing and I couldn’t help but share it with you. Here is an excerpt from her post…

I appreciate how Sarah recognizes that the effects of sexual pain are not only physical but also mental, emotional and spiritual, and therefore healing must address all four factors as well. She generously shares the lessons she has learned, validating the struggle while avoiding despair (which is probably why I am so happy with this site – that is exactly what I wish to provide to my readers as well.)

The site is well-named, hope abounds there.

I recommend you check out the entire post here as well as the rest of the site. You can always click on the link on the sidebar under fellow bloggers, or sign up on YatraYoni.com to receive her blog posts directly in your inbox like I do.

Skin rolling is not as scary as it sounds

Posted on January 18, 2015 by Sarah

There are many techniques performed in physical therapy that can be incorporated into your own self-treatment regimen. Skin rolling is one of easiest because there isn’t necessarily a wrong way to do it (or at least none that I have discovered). For those of you who think I am referring to some type of ancient form of torture, let me assure you that skin rolling is not as scary as it sounds.

Skin rolling is a type of myofascial release. You can find a lot of information just by typing “myofascial” into your favorite search engine, but here’s my abbreviated definition. The “myo” means muscle and “fascial” is pertaining to the fascia or connective tissue that surrounds every muscle, bone, ligament, and organ in our bodies. Thus, myofascial release is simply a way of releasing tension or constriction in the connective tissue around our muscles. I find skin rolling a pretty interesting technique because it so clearly demonstrates the presence of constricted fascia and muscles (I’ll get into this further after I describe the technique).

Step 1: Show some skin!

Continue reading →

Interview with Sex Therapist Dr. Rose Hartzell (Part 3)

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Sarah

Finally, the rest of the amazing feedback from Dr. Rose Hartzell, PhD, EdS, CHES, LMFT, Sex Therapist at San Diego Sexual Medicine. Here is part 3 of my interview with this remarkable woman.

10. The message of my blog is that when sex hurts there is hope. Do you think that is true, and if so, in what way?

Oh my gosh, yes, because I‘ve seen so many people who had pain and then did not have pain. Or who have pain but ended up living the life they want, whatever that might be. Having pain doesn’t have to mean the end of the world or even that you’ll never have a good sexual relationship. I just had a couple the other day that the woman said “I can’t imagine ever having a normal healthy sex life,” but you can, I’ve seen it.

11. Many sufferers of sexual pain go years without finding help for their suffering. As a community of patients and practitioners, how do you think we can reach those suffering from painful sex to find hope and help sooner?

I agree with everything you just said and sometimes I see people who for 20 years they’ve had pain and never saw hope. Continue reading →

Interview with Sex Therapist Dr. Rose Hartzell (Part 2)

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Sarah

There was just so much great content from my interview with Dr. Rose Hartzell, PhD, EdS, CHES, LMFT, Sex Therapist at San Diego Sexual Medicine. I had to break it up so you could take it all in. Here is part 2!

6. In your experience, what have you seen to be the most common difficulty or challenge that couples face when one partner suffers from painful sex?

My honest answer of what I have seen across the board as the most common difficulty is acceptance that other sexual activities are sex. If a woman has pain, often it is the woman that has the hardest time with this. Exploring ways to bring pleasure to each other can be a fun experience for couples and is not so emotionally charged. Often women will say that if I can’t have intercourse, why even bother. And sex becomes about performance or reaching a goal. But, I hear a lot of the men say, “I will take anything, I would be happy with oral sex or I can masturbate, I just want to be close to my partner again. I just want her to touch me.” Not every man is the same, but in general that is what I have noticed.

7. Does your answer to the previous question change depending on whether the partner suffering from pain is male or female, and if so, how? Continue reading →

Interview with Sex Therapist Dr. Rose Hartzell (Part 1)

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Sarah

I recently had the honor of interviewing Dr. Rose Hartzell, PhD, EdS, CHES, LMFT. She is the resident Sex Therapist at San Diego Sexual Medicine, the premier center for sexual health, and is responsible for addressing the sexuality, relationship, and intimacy concerns of individuals and couples who attend the clinic, many of whom suffer from sexual pain. Here are some of the insights she shared.

1. What made you decide to become a sex therapist?

I took a roundabout way of getting there. I started off as a sex researcher and then realized that, although doing research was interesting, I found that a lot of people would come to me with questions. I decided that I really like helping people better. Research is helping people, but helping people as a therapist is more one-on-one, or two-on-one. So I went back to school and while I was working on my PhD I added a Masters and then an EdS in therapy.

On a more global level, I like talking to people about things that they can’t talk about with anyone else. Sex is something that is really important to people, but often times they have difficulty talking about it. And for some reason God granted me the gift of feeling comfortable talking about sex, so I like to help other people feel more comfortable talking about it and have more satisfying sex lives.

2. You are part of the team at San Diego Sexual Medicine. What type of work do you do there? How does your role fit into the larger goal of the center?

Here at San Diego Sexual Medicine we take a bio-psycho-social approach or a holistic perspective. The kind of people I see here is usually different than the average sex therapist would see because a lot of times the people that we see here are people that have a physical component. So I often see people who have some type of physical issue that has affected them psychosocially. My role here is for both men and women, to help them to see how whatever happened to them (erectile dysfunction, low sexual desire or whatever it is) is impacting themselves and their relationships, and how to get what they want out of their sex lives.

I have been working in this office for four and a half years and I love my job. I can’t think of anything cooler.

3. How does sex therapy differ from other types of psychotherapy or counseling? Continue reading →

When Sex Hurts There Is Hope

Sharing my journey to provide hope for others

Tag Archives: painful sex/dyspareunia