I started this blog anonymously two years ago and have been very careful to avoid sharing personal information about who I am. I set up separate email and social media accounts. I didn’t create an “About Me” page or share any photos of myself. I could say it was due paranoia about the internet, but really it was because I wasn’t ready to be honest with the world. In truth I have been living two lives; hiding my pain issue from most people who know me. I put as much effort into trying to appear normal as I do in actually preventing my pelvic pain.
But sharing on this blog has helped me heal—not so much in the physical sense, but rather healing from the psychological and emotional damage that painful sex has caused me. Slowly I’ve started sharing my pain story with more friends. It was difficult at first, awkward and uncomfortable, but it got easier with each new person I told. No one I shared with ever reacted negatively. In fact, my being so open with them seemed to deepen our relationship. Often as I shared something so intimate with them, they would open up to me about something personal they had faced (sometimes even a similar pain issue). And it was great to have them “in the know” about my pain. I didn’t have to hide it or feel self-conscious about needing to stand or bringing my seat cushion. Over time I found it sort of liberating to share this other part of me. I started feeling like I was becoming more of who I am. Continue reading
I feel like the recent message God has been communicating to me (in many forms) is all about stopping my worrying. First it was the song and the verse repeatedly coming to me about casting my cares on God. (Finding Favour’s “Cast My Cares” and 1 Peter 5:7, “Give all your worries and cares to God for he cares about you.”) That message continued for probably the past two weeks. But now it’s continuing in other forms. I was just praying a quick prayer driving home from work, asking God to show me how to let go and truly let Him have control of my life. I was feeling like yet another day passed that was out of balance and I was feeling unsure about whether I’m missing the point altogether. After I got home I decided to postpone getting ready for bed a little longer and read my devotional, Jesus Calling (amazing book by the way—I strongly recommend it!). The message I read today hit me as such a direct answer that I literally started laughing. I felt a moment of God’s presence washing over me with the realization of His answer to my practical question of how do I do this life His way.
For those of you who have the Jesus Calling devotional, the message was for February 26th. Here’s an excerpt: “I am leading you, step by step through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day…When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine…Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward…” The last sentence is what hit me the hardest, “Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting me to open up the way before you as you go.” Relax—and enjoy the journey! Oh how little I stop and soak in the beauty of this journey. Continue reading
I started this year with an intention of being more intentional about being grateful. But several months later I have to admit that gratitude is harder than it looks. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty to be grateful for. God has continued to bless my life in amazing ways. It’s that “state of being” part that is a constant struggle for me. Continue reading
Something I have learned through my journey with painful sex is how important it is to share your struggles. Hiding your troubles or trying to handle them all on your own creates a burden that you are not able to carry. I know from personal experience because this is what I did throughout most of my journey. Even my closest friends and family didn’t realize the extent of my pelvic pain, the difficulties of my search for a diagnosis and healing, or how broken my marriage was.
I think a lot of why I didn’t share was rooted in pride, at least when it came to my marriage issues. I have always taken pride in my sound decision-making. I typically put a lot of thought into things and never make rash decisions. This prudence is a part of my identity—as is my independence and ability to handle things on my own. So admitting that my marriage was struggling so much was like admitting that I hadn’t made a good decision and I couldn’t handle it myself. Continue reading