I have learned just how important it is to be comfortable with your doctor. I think we all want to have a doctor that we are comfortable with, but we often don’t put it high enough on our requirements list. We focus on their knowledge and experience, maybe the convenience of their office location and whether or not they accept our health insurance. While all of those are important considerations, I believe that being able to connect personally with your doctor is just as important. I’m not saying you need to be best friends or go out for coffee after your appointment. What I am saying is your doctor needs to listen to you, and you need to feel heard when you speak to him or her. Your doctor needs to be able to empathize with you and not discount your feelings or jump to a diagnosis without fully exploring your experiences. Your doctor should never make you feel stupid, ashamed, or uncomfortable in any way.

Being comfortable with your doctor is especially important when dealing with something as personal as sexual pain. I may be worse than most, but I think all of us have some degree of discomfort in discussing intimate topics. We keep them guarded and typically discuss only with those we trust—that is precisely why they are called intimate! Thus you need to feel comfortable to be able to explain all of the details of your pain, including exactly where it hurts and when (I’m talking all the details—what positions hurt worse than others, how aroused you were before and during, what lubrication did you use and how much time did you spend on foreplay—because just saying “sex hurts” doesn’t give them all the clues they need to hone in on the specific cause). If your doctor makes you feel guarded so that you feel like you are holding back certain aspects of your pain, you will also be held back from full healing. Likewise, if your doctor is not acknowledging all of your symptoms and experiences, including the emotional and psychological effects, he or she will not be able to provide a comprehensive diagnosis and treatment.

Part of being comfortable with your doctor is being respected for the role you play in your own healing. The first doctor I saw who specialized in sexual medicine was very knowledgeable, but he could never provide the full care I needed because he didn’t place value on my role. He was the doctor and I was the patient; in other words, he directed and I followed. There was no team effort or mutual understanding. At one point he prescribed a hormone cream, but didn’t fully explain how or where to apply it. I felt embarrassed and stupid, as if I should already know and it wasn’t appropriate to ask. He did not try to educate or even understand me and I felt uncomfortable questioning him. The result was more time and effort spent searching for healing but with no improvement.

I have since found some amazing doctors and physical therapists who recognize just how important it is for patients to feel comfortable with their care providers. They understand the role each of us plays in our own healing journey and make the effort to understand their patients. As a result I have made significant progress in my healing, learning more about my body and how to fulfill my own healing role. Don’t underestimate the importance of being comfortable with your doctor, in any aspect of your health, but especially in something as personal as painful sex.