Don’t give up

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If you are still searching for a correct diagnosis, or waiting for treatments to work their healing effects, I want to encourage you to keep searching and keep working. I know how discouraging it is to go from doctor to doctor trying to find out what is causing painful sex. I went three years, through six different doctors and multiple tests and treatments before finally getting a correct diagnosis of hypertonic pelvic floor muscle dysfunction. Then, after two years of physical therapy I went through a couple more doctors to address the pain issues stemming from unbalanced hormones. During that first searching process I actually did give up at one point. But, the pain kept coming so I had to keep going.

It takes courage to not give up when doctor after doctor tells you they don’t know what is wrong. Draw that courage from wherever you can. don't give up - when sex hurts there is hopeMaybe it is from the countless others who have dealt with and overcome similar pain issues.* Or perhaps by connecting with those who have overcome other types of obstacles. Maybe you can draw courage from your spouse and the hope of what can be on the other side of healing. For me, I was able to draw courage from my faith.  Knowing that God was with me helped give me courage to keep trying. Continue reading →

Overflow with hope

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May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 (NIV)*

hope - when sex hurts there is hopeThis is my favorite verse and has become somewhat of a theme verse for my life over this past year or so.  God brought it to me during the most difficult time of my marriage, just as it was falling apart.  I have recited it to myself more times than I can count, and shared it with many others.  I remember having lunch with a close friend, filling her in on some of what had been going on in my life.  As I told her about the hurt and hardships, unsure about the fate of my marriage, I also had to tell her about the amazing things God had been doing to remind me that I was in His care.  When I shared the verse with her, she told me that while listening to me tell my story, she couldn’t find any better description—that I was overflowing with hope.

Overflowing with hope doesn’t necessarily mean you have all the answers.  In fact, I would argue that having hope by definition requires that you don’t have all the answers—you can’t hope for something that you already have or already know to be true.  Continue reading →

Communication, communication, communication

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effective communication - when sex hurts there is hopeThe three most important aspects of a healthy relationship are…communication, communication, and communication.*  Okay, so there is a lot more that goes into maintaining a healthy relationship, but I just want to emphasize how important effective communication really is (so important, in fact, that I expect I will be creating multiple posts on this topic in the future).

In order for communication to be effective it needs to be two-way, constant, and not hurtful.  You both need to communicate with each other—if you do all the talking, and he never responds, then you can only get halfway there.  Continue reading →

The pain in painful sex

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painful sex - when sex hurts there is hopeBefore I dive too deeply into the various lessons I have learned throughout this journey I want to take a moment to describe some of the pain I have experienced.  We all experience different types and different levels of pain throughout our life, and one individual’s level 10 may be different from another’s.* I can only describe what I have personally experienced and acknowledge that there are many others out there suffering from much worse.  It is very difficult to put into words and describe in a way that you as a reader can understand.  I believe it is not possible to truly understand unless you have experienced it first-hand. Continue reading →

Don’t just suffer through it

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For those of you who are dealing with painful sex, I beg you, please don’t just suffer through it!  As I retell my story and relive those earlier years of pain I am dumbfounded at how I just suffered through it for so long.  I know now that I actually made things worse by allowing the pain to continue unabated (with hypertonic pelvic floor muscle disorder, the more trauma there is to the muscles the tighter they become and the longer the healing process takes).  More than that, I think about how much time was wasted and the emotional damage of suffering for so long.

sex is not supposed to hurt - when sex hurts there is hope

At first I just dealt with it because I wasn’t really sure what was wrong, or if there really was something wrong at all.  If you are having any similar types of doubts, let me make it very clear—sex is not supposed to hurt!  Continue reading →

Picking up the broken pieces (this is my story…part 7)

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The difference is truly night and day from where I started, but I am still not normal.  It takes effort and extra care, but a healthy sex life is possible.  I continue to see my physical therapist once a month and do as much as I can on my own to keep my muscles healthy.  Pain-free sex does not come easily.  Even though I have found the right diagnoses and gone through years of treatment towards healing, sex can still cause much pain.  This brings me to the last and most important piece to finding healing when sex hurts—a spouse that is loving, supportive, flexible, understanding, patient, and so many other things.

Unfortunately for me, this last piece was too broken to put back together.  By our six year anniversary it became clear that the road to healing had been too long and too hard, and too damaging to our relationship.  A period of hurt and heartache came next, ultimately ending in divorce.*

But there is hope…

I can honestly say that I am a transformed person.  This has been quite a journey and I have learned so much throughout it.  God has been with me every step of the way—seeing me through the struggles, the hopelessness, the heartache, and the healing.  Although I can’t say I would ever choose to deal with the realities that come when sex hurts, I can see all of the good in my life because of it.  My journey is not over and I know there is still more healing to come.  But, I want to take this time now to share with all of you—lessons I have learned, experiences I have had, struggles I have overcome, and the amazing truth that when sex hurts there is hope!

*The psychological pain of a broken heart and a failed marriage is a completely different type of pain which also has far-reaching effects on every aspect of your life.  Likewise, the healing process takes time and effort.  I will share more in later posts about the importance of having a strong relationship with God, supportive friends and family, and a therapist you can trust.

Another leg of the journey (this is my story…part 6)

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I was able to have sex without pain for the first time ever!  I should be jumping for joy by now, right?  Not exactly.  Although I knew it was actually possible to have pain-free sex, this was a very rare occurrence.  I like to describe it as occurring only when all the stars were aligned.  In reality, I was still experiencing pain at least 90 percent of the time.

I say “when all the stars were aligned” because everything had to work perfectly in order to avoid pain.  I had very low libido and if I wasn’t at the perfect arousal level before entry and remaining throughout, it would become extremely painful.  The worst pain I would experience actually came on about an hour after sex.  My pelvic floor muscles would basically start to spasm and I wouldn’t be able to sit, sleep, or do much of anything without experiencing severe pain.  Of course the fear of bringing on this pain only added to my libido and arousal problems.

So, with the goal of increased libido in mind, my urologist referred me to an endocrinologist who did more tests.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t much help since her focus was really on reproductive disorders (she diagnosed me as having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome based on the fact that I had irregular periods even though none of her tests actually supported this*).  Fortunately, my physical therapist recommended I visit a specialist in San Diego who is a leader in sexual medicine and he was able to address the missing piece in my healing puzzle.

This new specialist didn’t waste any time in setting me out on the next leg of my healing journey.  He explained how important hormones are to our bodies’ health and how specifically our sexual organs are affected when they are out of balance.  My testosterone levels were very low and my sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG) was through the roof, resulting in extremely low free testosterone.  I started on daily hormone therapy and began seeing amazing changes.  I hadn’t even realized that my vestibule wasn’t supposed to be red or that my labia were half the appropriate size until everything began to heal.

Not only did my libido improve, but everything wasn’t painful to the touch anymore.

*What is especially ridiculous about this diagnosis is that many of the symptoms of PCOS are due to high levels of testosterone.  Yet, my correct diagnosis that came later actually showed that my libido and arousal issues were specifically because my testosterone, especially my free testosterone, was so low!