It’s not your fault

It's not your fault - when sex hurts there is hopeLiving with a disorder that causes painful sex can wreak havoc on your marriage and, as an extension, your life. It is easy to fall into negative thinking and to feel like it is your fault, at least it was for me.

Sex was always an issue in our marriage, and it seemed like it was the cause of all our problems. The sex issue caused arguments and created feelings of loneliness, dissatisfaction and alienation from each other. Even on the days when we were seemingly fighting about a completely unrelated issue, it always had a tendency to go back to the problem of sex (or at least it always did in my mind). Continue reading

Overflow with hope

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 (NIV)*

hope - when sex hurts there is hopeThis is my favorite verse and has become somewhat of a theme verse for my life over this past year or so.  God brought it to me during the most difficult time of my marriage, just as it was falling apart.  I have recited it to myself more times than I can count, and shared it with many others.  I remember having lunch with a close friend, filling her in on some of what had been going on in my life.  As I told her about the hurt and hardships, unsure about the fate of my marriage, I also had to tell her about the amazing things God had been doing to remind me that I was in His care.  When I shared the verse with her, she told me that while listening to me tell my story, she couldn’t find any better description—that I was overflowing with hope.

Overflowing with hope doesn’t necessarily mean you have all the answers.  In fact, I would argue that having hope by definition requires that you don’t have all the answers—you can’t hope for something that you already have or already know to be true.  Continue reading

Don’t just suffer through it

For those of you who are dealing with painful sex, I beg you, please don’t just suffer through it!  As I retell my story and relive those earlier years of pain I am dumbfounded at how I just suffered through it for so long.  I know now that I actually made things worse by allowing the pain to continue unabated (with hypertonic pelvic floor muscle disorder, the more trauma there is to the muscles the tighter they become and the longer the healing process takes).  More than that, I think about how much time was wasted and the emotional damage of suffering for so long.

sex is not supposed to hurt - when sex hurts there is hope

At first I just dealt with it because I wasn’t really sure what was wrong, or if there really was something wrong at all.  If you are having any similar types of doubts, let me make it very clear—sex is not supposed to hurt!  Continue reading

Picking up the broken pieces (this is my story…part 7)

The difference is truly night and day from where I started, but I am still not normal.  It takes effort and extra care, but a healthy sex life is possible.  I continue to see my physical therapist once a month and do as much as I can on my own to keep my muscles healthy.  Pain-free sex does not come easily.  Even though I have found the right diagnoses and gone through years of treatment towards healing, sex can still cause much pain.  This brings me to the last and most important piece to finding healing when sex hurts—a spouse that is loving, supportive, flexible, understanding, patient, and so many other things.

Unfortunately for me, this last piece was too broken to put back together.  By our six year anniversary it became clear that the road to healing had been too long and too hard, and too damaging to our relationship.  A period of hurt and heartache came next, ultimately ending in divorce.*

But there is hope…

I can honestly say that I am a transformed person.  This has been quite a journey and I have learned so much throughout it.  God has been with me every step of the way—seeing me through the struggles, the hopelessness, the heartache, and the healing.  Although I can’t say I would ever choose to deal with the realities that come when sex hurts, I can see all of the good in my life because of it.  My journey is not over and I know there is still more healing to come.  But, I want to take this time now to share with all of you—lessons I have learned, experiences I have had, struggles I have overcome, and the amazing truth that when sex hurts there is hope!

*The psychological pain of a broken heart and a failed marriage is a completely different type of pain which also has far-reaching effects on every aspect of your life.  Likewise, the healing process takes time and effort.  I will share more in later posts about the importance of having a strong relationship with God, supportive friends and family, and a therapist you can trust.

The search begins (this is my story…part 3)

I’m not sure what the record is for number of tests and trial treatments someone can go through before finding a correct diagnosis, but I must qualify for at least an honorable mention.  I was treated for urinary tract infections, yeast infections, and Interstitial Cystitis (IC).  I took the IC medication, Elmiron, for seven months before moving on to the next potential diagnosis (you should check out the side effects sometime…not exactly pleasant).  After almost two years of looking for a diagnosis, my Nurse Practitioner had to pass me on to the M.D. who worked out of the same office.  He reviewed all of the treatments I had already tried and jumped straight to a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis (quick lesson learned that’s worth mentioning here…NEVER agree to surgery without at least a second opinion!).  Of course he found nothing that could be causing my pain, so then he referred me to a urologist.

I can’t explain how utterly helpless I felt at that point.  I remember running into the Nurse Practitioner in the hallway at my post-op appointment.  She was very kind, asking me how I was doing and whether the doctor had found endometriosis.  I did my best not to break down in the middle of the waiting room, but I couldn’t hold back all of my tears.  (Keep in mind that it had been almost three years of searching for a diagnosis through tests, treatments, even surgery, and all the while I was enduring sexual pain.)

I went to the urologist next and she went about her own painful search for a diagnosis.  First there was the catheter to get a “clean” urine sample (I put this pretty near the top of my list of torture techniques).  Then there was the cystoscopy which confirmed again that I showed no signs of IC (also on the torture list, but at least they try to give you something to dull the pain).  And, eventually the MRI of my bladder which also provided no clear indication of a diagnosis.

I took a break from my search at this point, too worn down from the journey and not knowing where to go next.