Sex is supposed to be an amazing experience. Okay, so I know it’s not always fireworks and multiple orgasms (I personally think that one is a myth), but it’s not supposed to hurt, right? Am I doing something wrong? Do I just need to give it time to get used to? Why does it seem to be getting worse instead of better? These are some of the things that frequented my thoughts during the early months of my marriage.
Perhaps my upbringing was a little different from yours, but sex wasn’t exactly a topic discussed at the dinner table. So, when I first started experiencing the extremes of painful sex, I didn’t know what to do. I waited several months until my annual OB/GYN appointment before even beginning my search for a diagnosis. My husband didn’t know what to do with me. (Needless to say, our marriage didn’t exactly get off to a great start.) I felt defective, mortified and confused…what is wrong with me?
I did my best to just get through it. I felt like it was important for me to have sex with my husband, but I didn’t have much of a desire beyond wanting to keep him happy. I didn’t know how to talk to him about what I was feeling. I couldn’t get past the overwhelming thoughts of what is wrong with me?! Shouldn’t I desire to have sex with my husband? There were many times that I would try to hide my silent tears, and other times when I just couldn’t take the pain and I had to tell him to stop.
In hindsight I am dumbfounded by how I handled those early days of painful sex. I want to go back in time to my naïve self and yell at her to stop inflicting pain on herself! Pain tells you that something is wrong. Stop doing whatever is causing the pain and seek help! (I would also lecture her on the importance of open communication in relationships. If he loved you enough to marry you, he should love you enough to listen to you describe what is going on and support you in finding a solution.)
Eventually I found the courage to talk to my doctor and the journey to an accurate diagnosis began.